i'm a tech baron, mom

Hiding from Apple, a quantum paradise, and CGI CEOs
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Hey Spam Fam,

It's Tom, and this week I've decided to become a tech baron. I'll miss edutaining my millions of loyal readers, but Silicon Valley (and my wallet) need my help.

I don't expect it to be easy, so I've created a checklist to help me fulfill my ambition.

1. Develop a signature look

Tech barons aren't renowned as style icons, but their dress sense conceals an important message: we are just like you.
Take Jensen Huang's leather jacket or Mark Zuckerberg's gray tee and hoodie. These garments project the image of a humble workaholic, rather than an avaricious megalomaniac who wants to control the world.
 
2. Marry a childhood sweetheart/celebrity
 
They say that behind every great tech lord there's a great partner.
 
I plan to copy Elon Musk's strategy and marry a glamorous celebrity who can compensate for my lack of charisma.
My representatives will be contacting Kim Kardashian's people to discuss the conjugal arrangements.
 
3. Take up a narcissistic hobby that's presented as serving humanity
 
It seems like every tech titan is obsessed with going to space. Not for themselves, of course, but to save planet Earth.
I'd prefer to copy the idea of Muammar Gaddafi's son: secure myself a spot on a top football team. As for the altruistic aspect (yawn), I'll buy Lionel Messi back. Not because he's my favorite player of course; it's all for the kidz.
 
4. Create a questionable charity
 
Tech titans aren't interested in money, power, and women; we want to make the world a better place. Our philanthropic initiatives give this claim a veneer of plausibility. 
My idea is to team up with the vampire Peter Thiel and create a life-extension charity that injects aging billionaires with the blood of children.
 
5. Disrupt something
 
Most importantly of all, a tech God needs to develop (or steal) a disruptive product.
 
My ingenious idea is to build a brain-computer interface that's connected to all your electronic devices. The headband will flag neurological signals that indicate your(/my) desires. It will then pick your(/my) choice of movie, music, dinner before you even realized you wanted it.
 
You can do it, too
 

Life is lonely at the top, so I've created a handy meme to help you join me in the tech pantheon.

You are welcome. We can discuss our plans for world domination at next year's Sun Valley conference.

What we're talking about

Hiding from Apple, a quantum paradise, and CGI CEOs.

🍏

Please Apple, go through everything on my phone.

🌍

How quantum AI could make Earth a paradise.

📵

WhatsApp blocks Taliban helpline channels after political pressure.

🌐

Good UX isn't enough — websites must enchant us again.

📁

Why the hell can't you copy folders in Google Drive?

🤖

Nvidia's CGI CEO doesn't look ready to replace the real Jensen Huang.

🍬

A gift for you.

Tweet of the day

~™ CommeRcial bReak® ~

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You're all invited to dinner. The host? Our very own CEO, style guru and instigator of parties, Boris! (He's cool, trust us).

Who's Boris? Serial entrepreneur, professional juggler or just a guy down the block? Enter to win an exclusive dinner with Boris this September, and find out!

When you order an in-person ticket to TNW Conference 2021 between August 9 and August 24, you'll automatically be entered into the contest.

Tickets are currently up to 60% off and going fast!
Don't miss out on one of Boris' home-cooked dishes, and get your ticket to TNW2021 on September 30 & October 1 today!

We'll leave you with this...

Love you, mean it,

TNW Editorial

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